Repeat Offender
by Naxevem
Summary: [One-shot; 1st Person POV; Mentioned, non-explicit Squall x Irvine slash; Rating for rather sparse swearing..] Awake, Squall does a bit of late-night pondering about the annoyingly persistant tendencies of love..


**A/N: **Hello, hello. :D Back with a one-shot. I'm on a fanfiction-writing roll it seems, so let's make the best of it, hm? ;P I wrote this thing on a rather personal level, so whether or not it's in-character depends on the reader I guess. This is all coming directly from my own mind, as I reflect on my own experiences (though the numbers of things and the circumstances were slightly adapted to fit Squall.. ;P). So if it sounds at at unSquall-like, that's why. Although I would assume his "inner voice" would be a little more talkative and open about things like that. Ohwell. Read, review, and slap me if you must. XD Although .. as sucky as this may be, I forsee some spin-off 'fics from this. ::hinthintfeedbackpleasenudgenudge:: XDD

**Disclaimer**: NO. Still don't own ANYONE. Sheesh.

"Repeat Offender" 

****

_Love_.

What the hell is it about that one emotion? Happiness, sadness, fear. All have the potential to change someone, but not like love manages to change some people. How no matter how you try not to, you can't avoid it. How .. as long as you've had love once you're bound to fall into it again.

I've made plenty of mistakes in my life. So I closed down. And it worked. It worked for several years, and I went about my life with my emotions locked tight inside me. Only I knew how much something hurt me, or how much I longed to tell someone it would be okay. I experienced the fear of war and watched people die around me. It hurt, and I was scared. But did the outside world know that? No. _Never_.

Squall Leonhart is a cold, uncaring bastard.

That's all they knew. And that's all they were ever supposed to know. That was fine with me.

Then she had to come and walk into my life. _Rinoa_. I'd loved in the past, a few times, and every time something happened and I got hurt. And so I'd close down again. But somehow the next always managed to yank me out of that and break down my barriers -- took longer than it did the last time, but as long as I _loved_ them back, they always succeeded. They managed to get me to show sides of myself no one ever knew existed.

Then they'd take that highly personal knowledge and walk away. Leave me alone to pick up the pieces and rebuild what I'd let them tear down.

And each time I'd tell myself I would never let it happen again.

..But that's the sickening part of _love_. No matter how many vows you make, how many oaths you swear .. it'll get you. And then you'll come out of it in the end and want to slap yourself for letting yourself be had again. For allowing someone to make you the victim all over again. But you know what? You go right back to picking yourself up again and dusting yourself off, all the while reassuring yourself that you're not going to be stupid enough to let THAT happen again.

But don't count on it. Because _love_ will find a way, damn it.

But back to Rinoa. She was number .. three. Yes, before her there was another. And one before that. I could say my loss back at the orphanage too. But that was different. That didn't involved _romance_. Romance is just there to back Love up. Because once you get romantic with someone -- a totally different situation then just being 'friends', that's when stuff starts cutting in deep, and then having that ripped out is what hurts. Losing a friend that you "love" hurts too, but nothing like when you know you've let someone in romantically.

Believe me.

I shouldn't blame it all on Number Two. It was my fault I got hurt. So there. Me and my tough, uncrackable shell. Me who has steel walls three feet thick around his heart. I couldn't open up enough, and then I got hurt. Part of me feels guilty, but most of me just can't get over the fact that I got ditched again.

That person went off to pursue something I could never chase after. To do something like that person did would mean I'd have to reveal to the world that I, Squall, did in fact _feel_.

And oh no, we can't be having that now can we..?

So Rinoa..

Damn her, she succeeded. She even got farther than Number Two had. She almost changed me. I can recall smiling at her a few times. Telling her my secrets. At the end of our adventures we both assumed that we'd live happily ever after like in the fairy tales.

But it wasn't to be.

Hello, this is me talking. Does _anything_ ever go my way? Never. And if it does, please prepare for the Apocalypse..

She was a rebel girl. A thrill-seeker. She was a fighter. Even if she wanted to find that "diplomatic" solution back when we were going after Matron before we knew it was Ultimecia behind it .. she was still a fighter. If not physically, then she had a fighting spirit. Which was attractive to me, I suppose. I admired her for what she was. She'd suffered her own hardships and yet didn't turn inward like I had. I always assumed I was strong, and was proud of that. I strived to be like Griever. A lion.

But sometimes I think she achieved that before I did..

So how could it have gone wrong? ..Life's tendency to want to turn things upside down. She couldn't take Garden life. She couldn't stand having to spend hours alone or with the others, while my duty as Commander put restrictions on my free time. She wanted to be next to me every waking moment. Which, at the time, I was only happy to oblige. Of course, that isn't humanly possible .. and we started to get distant.

So she left. Said she'd travel the world if she had to, just learning and seeing the sights. Uh-huh. She was leaving me for a _tour_. A grand one, perhaps. But I can't help but feel envious that she'd given up on us for a train ride. And so, she became my third major 'romantic' hurt.

And now, here I sit. I've rebuilt my walls and said to myself that love for me is a thing of the past. No, experimenting with gender won't work either. Been there, done that.

And so I try to convince myself that I'll never love again. That other people have stolen enough from me, and that I would put every facet of myself away in a safe that no one but me will ever know the combination to.

Of course, in this great world of ours .. there are those crafty enough to crack safes. Damn those people. Damn them all..

I'd like to kick myself right now, if I wasn't so happy. That part of me is screaming that I've gone and done it again. That I'll just regret this later.

But shit, I hope not. Maybe trial and error eventually pays off. All I know is .. this feels completely right. There's a sense of perfection not felt before. I want to hope I'm not being lured into another trap. And perhaps it's wrong of me to be thinking this way as he lays here beside me while I run my fingers through that wonderful hair of his. I'm supposed to be focusing on the here and now, and how good it is.

Perhaps it's _love_ again, tugging the wool down over my eyes to force me to blindly believe I'm doing the right thing, when in fact it's slowly pushing me towards another painful experience.

But what can I do? It's out of my hands now. Fate has its own agenda.

So that's what I'll do. Grin, bear it, and enjoy the ride.

Yes, Squall is forcing himself to be optimistic..

..forcing himself to hold out hope that this time it'll be good.

That once again love will be that crime I commit, but maybe .. just maybe, I won't get caught this time.

I look down at this new, fourth love that lies asleep beside me in this dimly lit room. _Irvine_.

..And I hope.

--------

As usual, R&R please! :D – And can you guess who 'Number Two' is? It's REAL easy! Give it a try. ;)

-- neurosis/rigel


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